I Can't
by manga-ghost
Summary: Written for the 100 Themes Challenge. The TARDIS reflects on the Doctor's love for Rose. Because he can't. [Oneshot]


_Written for the 100 Themes challenge: Write a fic with any pairing for each of the themes. This is Theme 73: I Can't._

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There are so many things that humans can't do. They can't live forever, they can't fly, they can't stay youthful, they can't change time, they can't travel through the whole of time and space… and though I have all the time in the universe to list all the things that human beings can't do, there are much more productive ways that I can spend my time.

It is the Doctor's fault really, that I have become so knowledgeable about human beings. Earth has always been one of his favourite planets, even more so since the Time War. So many many human beings inside my walls, sharing the Doctor's adventures, being saved by him, on occasion saving him. Travelling through Time and Space, with me as the ever constant companion. Absorbing human feelings, understanding them. The last TARDIS in existence. Time And Relative Dimension In Space.

Sometimes I find it ironic that we saved so many other planets, and yet we couldn't save our own.

Humans describe things in such detail, they can even make sadness and suffering sound beautiful. So many Earth works of literature describe the way a human heart leaps when in love, and the agony experienced when emotional suffering rips a heart apart. This is what they call heartbreak. Yes, that's what we felt as we spun through space, the only survivors. For I also have a heart. I am alive. The loss of all my sisters tore me apart as surely as the death of a human's loved one would to those left behind.

But the Doctor, he has two hearts. If the suffering of a being such as a human or TARDIS is that great with our single heart, then what pain must he feel when both of his hearts are shattered?

Now I will tell you what Time Lords can't do. They can't form a lasting relationship with a member of another race. And much as many may wish, or hope, or believe it to be, they can't halt the passage of time. Humans say it is a curse to die. Time Lords say that it is a curse to have long life.

Long life means you have to watch those you love slowly wither and die. That is why the Doctor always left them, his former companions. Better to leave many small scars on your hearts than have them broken by a loved one's death.

Better to deny yourself any chance of falling in love. If you're always running from danger, then there's no time to think about things like that, no time to dwell on the past.

This is what the Doctor feels. But now… I feel that he is not so sure.

Rose Tyler. You may have heard of her. Humans would immediately draw conclusions merely from hearing her name. Rose, the flower of feminine beauty and undying love. Rose leaves are a symbol of hope. Red roses stand for respect and courage. The moss rosebud stands for confessions of love. A single Rose… a single rose in full bloom is a human way of saying "I love you."

My resident Rose has definitely shown courage over the time she has travelled with us. She was the first of a long line of companions of which it can truly be said to have saved the Doctor. She would not let him die. She willingly returned to a place where she was likely to die in order to save someone who is not of her species.

In this respect, I can admit that she is truly the Doctor's equal. I suppose that looking back, it was only inevitable that he would fall in love with her.

He never admits this. I am not even sure if he admits it to himself. But I have seen this love developing. It is yet another human idiom that dictates that being with another person can make you feel so much more alive.

Watching the two of them together, I began to understand what those human beings meant. Rose made his hearts whole again after the destruction of the Time War. Seeing them happy together filled the hole in my heart. He became more like the Doctor that I had known before Gallifrey had burned. Perhaps it is due to Rose that his new regeneration is so full of life.

But roses can have thorns.

When she discovered those who had gone before her, she confronted him. She was hurt. She loves him too; she wants to mean something to him.

The thought of leaving her, of her leaving him, hurt him too. NOT YOU, that was what he said.

It confirmed what I thought. He is willing to risk breaking his hearts watching her die, just to spend more time with her.

Time. A Time ship and a Time Lord, and yet neither of us can halt the passage of ageing, a natural way to show the passage of time. It is a cruel irony. Perhaps the Doctor is right to call it a curse.

For even the most beautiful Roses wither and die.

He knows this, and he knows that I know, as he watches her sleep.

I may not be able to fall in love, but I know that he can't go on like this. To love someone deeply with everything that you have in your heart - or hearts - and then to lose that someone in a single second without knowing how they felt…

It would destroy anyone.

He can't tell her. If she doesn't know, then that is how it is. But if she does know - if she can see the emotion in his eyes, as I can - then she may only be waiting for a confirmation.

A single whisper of three monosyllabic words.

The prospect of those words frighten him, I know. To say them would be to commit himself to watching a beautiful flower die.

He wants to. He's come so close before. But he can't.

I let him know what I think. _If you don't tell her, you will regret it forever. You will run out of time and it will all come to nothing. I can see it happening, a future that is slowly growing to blot out another… _I let the possibility hang. I have never been one to give the Doctor advice on love, but now…

No answer.

_You can too, _I point out.

And he simply smiles and whispers

"I can't."

He can't tell her. And that is the cruellest irony of all.


End file.
